Vaporheart

A Few Things I Learned From My 2 Year Old

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 16:39:25 -0600

Caterpillars hatch into raccoons. (I giggled.)

Barbie doesn't have a vagina, only a butt. (This one is sorta true though.)

Cats have babies through the hair on their backs. (No idea where that idea came from.)

A back can be killed then you wiggle around on the ground. (Kinda true.)

Cookie Monster's eyes were eaten off by dogs. (Yep.)

Cages are fun. (For who?)

You can hug a worm until it dies. (Then you put the remains in a 'snake hole'.)

I'll have to think of some more stuff later. These are just things she told me today. Who knows wtf tomorrow holds.

test

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 18:01:28 -0600

blah

Dear Sellers of Appliances:

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 03:15:15 -0600

My refrigerator went out today and what should have been a quick trip to the town to get a new one ended up taking a little over 5 hours. FIVE hours and trips to FIVE different stores to find a decent icebox with a price UNDER $1000. Maybe it wouldn't have taken that long if I had just settled for the low price of $2,200 but, in my opinion, is way too much for something that doesn't come with speakers and a controller. I do have just a few tips that may help improve the sales of appliances..

1) Do NOT put sale tags on everything hours before the store closes then tell your customers they have to come back the next day (after 1pm) to get them at the sale price.

2) Don't be a stalker! Let the people look around. If they're going to buy it, they will! If you start creeping them out, they are going to run far, far away from your store.

3) Have them in stock! I know fridges are big,bulky items and I'm sure they take up a lot of storage room but if someone comes in to buy a refrigerator, it's probably because they need it now and not in 'a few business days'. Poor people don't come in to buy a refrigerator just because they have a feeling theirs might bite the dust within the new few business days.

4) Know what you do have in stock! Please keep in mind that the 20 minutes you spend fucking a co-worker in the storeroom,the poor people out there waiting have a broken refrigerator full of pickles that are spoiling as you fuck.

5) Put the right tags on the right items! Those fantastic price tags you put on the stainless appliances should be for the stainless appliance and not for that same appliance in white. The stainless appliances need their stainless price tags. Sure, you can put the prices of that appliance in other colors in small print under the main price but don't put the low white appliance price on a stainless item making the it look very cheap when you will be adding an extra $70-$90 to the stainless ticket.

After reading these tips, you should be able to sell a refrigerator like a real chain store worker! Now get out there and be somebody!

On a happier note, we did end up getting a nice Maytag fridge from Lowe's. The salesman there was very nice, not stalky and knew what he was doing. Maybe I'll put up pictures of it tomorrow. I was able to capture the magic of the first few ice cubes it produced. Here's to 3 wonderful years with my new icebox! Yes, 3 years. We have had few things that have lasted longer than that.

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 23:32:37 -0600

The little possums are growing and doing well. They've been having formula about every 2 hours and they're starting to put on the ounces. This morning, they finally started eating canned cat food. They still hiss at me when I reach in to grab them. It doesn't bother me though, I'm pretty used to it. My own kid growls and hisses at me when I try to pick her up.

I was going to start talking about fishing and the big one I caught today but the more I thought about it, the more I don't want to. and there was something else I was going to talk about but that slips me.

"Wake up! I need a box!"

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 22:51:57 -0600

I was like wtf? It's only 11am and I'm being woke up because someone needs a box? I rarely get to sleep late and I was enjoying it while I was able. I slowly dragged out of bed and staggered outside. Right there on the deck was two little baby possums. Like smaller than my hand possums. First thing I asked was "Where's the mamma?" I then heard a sad story about Casey and Kara riding the 4-wheeler behind the pond and Isaac the dog finding something, slinging it around and finally killing it. It was the Mamma. No, it wasn't "playing" dead. It was dead as a door knob. Casey saw the babies trying to climb trees when they finally got to where Isaac was slinging the Mamma around at. He couldn't leave them, so he brought them home. We waited an hour and went back to the dead mamma to see if any more babies had come back. They didn't. We also went back to check one more time this evening and still didn't see any other babies around. In between checking for babies, I looked on the interwebz for anything about orphan possum babies. I found lots of stuff but even though it's on the internet, it's not always true... or is it? Anyway, I read for about an hour then finally decided to call the local animal clinic to ask what I should do. It was simple. Keep them warm, feed them kitten formula and eventually introduce canned kitty food. I knew they liked cat food because there's a couple of possums that come eat with the cats sometimes. Also they told me to take them outside and teach them how to climb trees. Can you see my fatass out there climbing a tree and hollering for tiny possums to follow? Nahhh.. I know what they meant and it doesn't involve me doing any climbing at all. When they start weighing about 3 pounds, they should be fine to bring back to the woods and be able to take care of themselves. They like the kitty formula and have a few drinks from a medicine dropper every 2-3 hours. They have both been named 'Baby Possum'.

cheap pets

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 12:04:33 -0600

I never knew just how interesting it could be to have a few caterpillars in a small fish tank until Kara decided they could not possibly live outside. I think we started out with 3 but it soon got populated with 8! I've been feeding them small branches from our wild cherry tree. They love them! There were a few days when I thought they were going to die. They would just be dangling off a branch looking all limp & pathetic.Then they'd wake up to eat, drink then go dangle some more. I think we've had them for about a week now. They were tiny when we first found them. Now some are longer than my finger. That's not saying much though... Last night I got out a bigger fish tank for our growing family. This morning, they were building cocoons. There are two full cocoons now and another in the making. I find myself wondering if they're making their little wormy houses because they are comfortable and well-fed in their man-made environment or if they're making them out of sheer desperation to find any way to remove themselves from this Hell I have created for them.

The Best Part of Waking Up

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 09:59:32 -0600

Nope, it's not Folgers in my cup. Usually the first thing I see in the morning is Kara playing with clothes or making a mess out of something. This morning was a first. I had no idea she was even awake. She can be very sneaky. Then I heard "Mamma look! Turn your head around!" and I did. I got hit with another case of the giggles. Then she said "Mommy I'm pretty!" and I answered with "Prettiest kitty cat in the world." Now that I'm awake, I'm starting to wonder how I'm going to get waterproof mascara off her face. Olive oil maybe?

Under 999

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 01:45:06 -0600

For the first time ever, my ping is under 999.

http://www.speedtest.net/result/252770650.png

Oh Boy

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 11:18:25 -0600

As most of you adults don't know, there's a fairly new program on Nick Jr called Ni Hao Kai Lan. It's like Dora the Explorer in Chinese instead of Spanish. The characters in it are really cute but Kara's not too fond of it. Today, she decided to watch it because it was about snow. Well, Kai Lan was sledding around in the snow when she her talking animal friends came upon a patch of dirt that needed snow so they could sled over it. She called in another talking animal friend to put snow there for her. Pretty lazy, eh? I thought so too. It would have been easy to sled around it. She called in a baby rhino that had a balloon tied to her nose allowing her to fly. Her name was Lulu. Kia Lan said Lulu had a bucket of . Which translates to the word 'snow' in Engrish. I dunno how they spell it but while I was in the kitchen, I heard "bucket of sheeit". I asked Kara what Lulu had and Kara said (while grinning) "Bucket of shit." We got the giggles. Kara finally told me she didn't like this one. She liked Dora because 'Dora don't have shit'. We giggled some more.

I still like Kia Lan though. :)

To the MooNsand

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 11:33:07 -0600

So walmart didn't have squish... But they did have that neat stuff you see on TV called Moonsand. We got that. Was it a mistake? Well, kinda. It provided about an hour of messy, grainy fun and also survived the night without drying out. It was the most begged for thing this morning when Kara got up. After a half hour of more fun, moonsand met it death. Apparently moonsand + a bottle of vinegar = muddy moon mess.I have it in a little bowl now. Maybe it will have a drying miracle happen. After all, it IS Moonsand.

EDIT: I forgot to add this earlier. I haven't been able to say this in 4 years so I'm gonna say it now because if I wait until tomorrow it'll be a lie. I'm sure it won't be the same tomorrow... But I weight 127! Yep. That's what I had to say. So I've lost 11 pounds in a little over a month. Hungry? Yes. The most I've ever weighed? You nosey little fuck! 158. I was pregnant so that really does not count. But it counts to me because I can say "Well, I USED to weigh 158 but now I weigh 127." That sounds better than "Yeah, I lost a couple of pounds." Low fat FTW. or is it FTL? Anyway. I'm just excited now because I know in another month, I'll be saying "Wtf? I weigh 138 again?"

Killing Time

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 16:36:49 -0600

I'm trying to kill some time now. Waiting for the road construction to end at 5pm so I can drive to town and buy groceries. I've never been a fan of grocery buying. I can never walk out of that place without spending 200 bucks. and what do I get? A few groceries, varmit food and today, I'll be getting SQUISH if I can find it. Everyday for about 2 weeks that's all I've heard about. Squish squish squish. Yesterday I finally found out what it was. Squish is a octopus. With a hat. Don't forget the hat. and I made a list. Ok. By the time I get Kara ready, it'll be 5pm and we can go blow more money that we don't need to be blowing. But at least something around here is getting blown.

Phone Calls

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 12:02:59 -0600

(407) 207-0820 - Credit card interest lowering.

I have like $400 on the ONE credit card I have.

(866) 716-2588 - Medcore,Inc. Medical collections agency.

I PAY my medical bills IF I get them. I may not pay how much they want me to pay but I atleast pay SOME on it. The whole month of December I KNOW I didn't get a bill. I thought maybe they were giving me a holiday month off. Maybe they forgot to send me a bill or maybe something else happened to the bill before/after it got to my mailbox?

(813) 366-9800 - Tampa Florida Neilsen Ratings

Why in the Hell do they want to know what we watch? From 8am-8pm we watch Dora, Diego and Max and Ruby. 8pm-10pm Cops or whatever cop shows are on that has people destroying things, resisting arrest or getting chewed up by dogs. 10pm-8am Softcore on HBO/Max.

Everyday we get calls from these three numbers. Well, the Neilsen number called today for the first time. But the first 2, all day long. When I do finally answer, they either hang up or well, that's usually what they do but sometimes a robot will tell me about my car warranty or how I can consolidate my one credit card into one low monthly payment. Fucking robots are going to take over everything. I bet they're watching everything I do. Oh God. Now I have to hide from robots. Anyway. They let the phone ring for like ~~10 minutes~~ 20 times. So today I looked them up and found out more about them. I'm not the only one who gets these calls. So I went right on over to Do Not Call and registered 3 phone numbers there. Again. Apparently you have to do this every 5 years or they automagically assume that you changed your mind or got lonely and want to talk to robots again.

Edit:

Splenda causes bloating, stomach cramps and the shits. I have proved this by experimenting on myself. But you thought I was going to say that I proved it by shitting on myself didn't you? Sick freak. OOOooooh brb!

Bugs

Mon, 10 Mar 2008 00:57:23 -0600

http://www.vaporheart.net/bugsnshit/

I was playing with the photoshop gallery maker thingy. Here are some bugs, atypical deer skull and something the cat puked up.

Welcome to the Effs

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 11:27:07 -0600

So I made a new Blood Elf character to play around with a bit and I've been trying to get Kara to like it. I was telling her things like "Ohh Look at his big ears!" "Look! He's so cute!" and she retorts "Mommy.. Bud Effs are NOT cute. Kitty cats are cute. My bess fwien IS a kitty cat!"

With Hands Wide Open

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 10:04:36 -0600

That is a sad coffee pot. It's sad because it's old and broken. It can no longer hold it's liquid. A broken coffee pot makes a lot of things sad. Look at that cup.. It's getting leaked all over. And the hand! It gets dripped on by semi-scalding hot coffee. The kitchen countertops get stained with brown rings. Before it's all over, the coffee pot gets moved to a new home in the sink where it sits in a tiny square all day leaking on itself and thinking of the glory days it used to have. Someone should just put it out of it's misery.

And that's why I am now accepting donations for a new coffee pot! Sure, they're pretty cheap but I just bought that Bamboo Fun tablet and I'm still paying for it.. (If you know what I mean.) Without that tablet, I would not have been able to skillfully edit out the nice feature of the coffee pot above. My pot doesn't have all that fancy stuff. It just has an on/off button. Simple, eh? Look over there.. To the right. See that tiny button that says 'Donate'? Buy me a coffee pot! Without a new pot, my productivity level will drastically decrease. Well, if I produced anything it would.